It is by God's grace that he left us

It was early morning around 5am when my sister came in to wake me up, informing me about his critical state after his operation. At first, I was quite shocked that I gave no reaction. After a few minutes, as my senses returned to face the reality, I soon realized that droplets of tears were rolling down my cheeks. I prayed and prayed earnestly with my sister that morning before she started heading out for her early shift. After approximately 20 minutes of prayer, my tears started to calmed down as I heard God speaking to me. This was what he told me that morning, which effectively stopped my worries and tears.

"Don't worry. He'll be fine this time."

Even though I felt safe, probably it was by human nature to worry. I can't exactly remember what was the reason back then which led to me making more than ten continuous call every hour to my parents asking about his condition. Probably it was just my lack of faith? I don't know, and I don't even dare to think about it. God's words are definite. I know he'll be fine. This time that is. In my mind, I thought God's meaning was for this time's hospitalization. Never have thought that it would only apply for that critical state, that moment. Everyone continued this struggle and this battle with him for more than 30 days. I really thought that he will be fine and I'll still see him again after a few months.

However, God's will could not be bent. The last operation that he had around three weeks ago, once again put him in a critical state. This time, my prayer was something like this.

"Why, God? I thought that You have told me that he'll be fine this time? Please do not let him suffer more. Since he'll end up being fine, why not let him skip all these sufferings, why not let us skip all these worries."

*It sounded quite rude, I know it. I did apologize after that to God. Haha.

The prayer continued for more than 30 minutes with my sisters and my parents who were on the other side of the phone and computer respectively. During these praying period, I heard God talking to me. Again, it was really clear. Last time, I was quite slow in understanding that it was God's comforting words. But this, I recognized fully that it was God speaking to me. This was what he told me this time.

"This is it. Let it go."

What kind of sister would I be if I really do so? I couldn't accept it and continued begging to God. However, after the whole incident where I think back about my prayers again, I realized that I have already accepted it. My prayer, has switched from "let him be healed" to "let me see him one last time at least". After nearly an hours' crying and praying, it was announced that he had left us. I didn't get to see him one last time. How heart broken it was! I went into my room, got out bible and read a short paragraph from John 11: 25-26. From then on, I decided that all will be according to God's will. Surely he has better plans. I thought that I would ask for a resurrection when I see his body.

After two days, I finally arrived. I went in, grabbed his hands and said a simple prayer. (Something as following).

"Lord, I pray that if this was not your will and he was not willing to leave yet, let him arise as how you have done in the past because only you are possible in doing such miracles. However, if this is your will and he has said "yes", let him return to you happily."

We did a memorial the next day, we went to location to prepare things, etc. By that time, I went over to him, looking through the small window of the coffin, I thought I saw a smile (It may sound a bit creepy but it was the truth, probably just a feeling, but I did saw/felt so). I still said the same prayer every time I went to him. Not until the last day (the day for his cremation).

On the cremation day, during our journey towards the place, I suddenly remembered the smile that I felt at that time. Immediately when I arrived, I went to him and looked closely. Probably he has really been resurrected, that's what I thought. But unfortunately, when I looked closely, there was no smile. By then, I have understood. He has really chosen to go back and it was by God's will for him to cease all sufferings in this world.

After so many days, I still thought about this whole thing. I don't really know the purpose of it but I felt that I was supposed to tell someone about this. Even though, up till now, while writing this, I can't really understand. But last night, somehow, God gave me a really strong urge in telling someone about this story. He kept "nag" me about this that I didn't get to sleep until I promised him to tell someone. That's why I'm writing this! =D

 *It's quite rude of me to say that God nag me but what I meant what that he kept talking to me for the whole night about this incident.